


The Salamandersitters Club: The Viceroy Comes To Visit

by Anonymous



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Babysitting, F/F, Ladystuck, Post-Sburb/Sgrub, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-28
Updated: 2012-12-28
Packaged: 2017-11-22 17:35:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/612431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Or, Rose and Kanaya's failed teenage motherhood experience.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Salamandersitters Club: The Viceroy Comes To Visit

**Author's Note:**

  * For [agent_florida](https://archiveofourown.org/users/agent_florida/gifts).



> It is not exactly what you asked for, but I hope you like it anyway!
> 
> Thanks as always to my betas; you know who you are.

EB: hey rose.  
EB: rose.  
EB: i need to talk to you about something important!  
EB: it's about casey.  
TT: Oh, hello John.  
TT: Pray tell, how is the fine young Viceroy? Well, I hope?  
EB: oh no you don't!  
EB: you cut out those wizard roleplay shenanigans right now.  
EB: leave it in the bedroom, gosh!  
TT: I'm afraid that Kanaya has already booked tonight for sexy vampire role play shenanigans.  
EB: ew, I don't want to hear about your sex life.  
TT: You're the one who brought up our role play shenanigans in the first place.  
EB: ...fair enough.  
EB: does it even count as roleplaying if your girlfriend is actually a vampire?  
TT: Rainbow drinker, if you wish to be pedantic. Which I, of course, do.  
TT: And, yes, the role play in this scenario is actually to be found in my excessive swooning.  
EB: blatant lies.  
EB: you swoon all over the place constantly.  
TT: Alas, you've seen right through me!  
TT: Ooh, Mr. Egbert, ooh.  
TT: I'm swooning this very second!  
EB: damn straight.  
EB: no no stop typing whatever silly thing you're typing right now.  
EB: i gotta talk to you about casey.  
TT: Oh fine, what about him?  
EB: SHE is doing pretty well, thanks.  
EB: i mean at least as far as i can tell?  
EB: i dunno, i don't speak salamander.  
EB: but i gotta go out of town for a day or two and i don't like leaving casey alone for that long.  
EB: could you watch her for me?  
TT: Going on the lam, are you?  
EB: no that was last week.  
EB: i am no longer a handsome rugged rebel without a cause. i am reformed now.  
TT: Respectable, even.  
EB: it's unbelievable but it's true.  
TT: You'll have to trade in your wifebeater for proper clothes, then.  
EB: it'll be sad to retire the dirty old thing, but i suppose it's time.  
TT: Be sure to give it a proper funeral.  
EB: so will you watch her then???????  
TT: Why are you asking me and not someone who lives closer?  
EB: well she's been kinda out of sorts and i think maybe she misses you?  
EB: she really likes you and she doesn't get to see you very often.  
EB: so i thought she'd enjoy it and maybe...  
TT: I would enjoy seeing her again as well, very much.  
TT: I'd be happy to watch her for you.  
EB: thanks so much, rose! i'll drop her by your place tomorrow.

\---- 

Rose opened the door to find Casey standing on her doorstep, a strong breeze pulling and blowing at her skirt and hair, which promptly died down. A piece of paper floated gently down in front of her face which, when unfolded, read in a messy blue scrawl: 

thanks, rose!!!!!!!! sorry i couldn't say hi, but we got off to a really late start this morning and i'm super late now! i'll see you for sure tomorrow afternoon when i pick up casey!  
-john

Rose sighed and rolled her eyes, smiling as she turned again to look at the salamander on her porch. 

"Greetings, Vice--, ah, I mean, hello Casey," she said, bending down to offer her hand. "Come along inside." 

Casey glubbed and took Rose's proffered hand, allowing Rose to lead her inside. 

"Well hello, Casey, it is a pleasure to see you again," Kanaya said, putting her book down on the side table and standing as they entered. "Did John leave?" 

"He doorbell ditched us," Rose replied. "No doubt he found it a privately amusing substitute for actually thinking up a real prank to surprise us with." 

"Doorbell..." Kanaya echoed in confusion. 

Rose waved her hand dismissively. "An adolescent human custom. Do you know what salamanders eat?" 

Kanaya followed Rose into the kitchen, Casey trotting along at their heels. "John did not say?" 

"John said she normally eats whatever junk food he has on hand. Cheetos, Doritos, all the same stuff he eats. Obviously, that sort of thing will not suffice for our houseguest." 

"Then I would assume that regular salamanders are insectivores but I'm not sure if that also applies to consorts. She's rather big, and insects are quite small. At least, the insects that can usually be found here are tiny. On Alternia they were often many times larger than trolls." 

The fridge, when Rose opened it, was full of almost nothing but raw, bloody meat. She sniffed, and shut the door. "Well, I don't suppose she'd take well to steak," she said, "and any alcohol is right out." 

"Perhaps grubloaf would make an acceptable meal?" Kanaya asked, standing in front of the pantry. 

Rose leaned past her and shut the pantry door. "Absolutely not." 

"I don't see why not." 

"We're not feeding Casey grubloaf." 

"Just because you don't have a taste for it," Kanaya muttered. 

Rose sighed. "If you would please watch Casey while I'm out, I'll run to the store and buy some Cheetos." 

Kanaya chased after Rose as she left the kitchen. "I have to admit that I am still rather foreign to the concept of looking after a much younger and more vulnerable creature. This practice, though I understand it to be very common among your species, has never been innate to mine." 

"Don't think of it as parenting. It's just... babysitting." 

"I don't understand what sitting has to do with raising a wriggler. Do you sit with them? Please don't tell me you are supposed to sit on them. I cannot imagine how that wouldn't end with a squashed wriggler." 

"No, no, it's idiomatic. Just keep her entertained to keep her out of trouble. Play dress-up or hide and seek or something." 

"Dress-up? That's a game?" 

"Yeah, just let her try on some of our clothes or something," Rose said, turning to close the front door behind her. "I'll be back in no time." 

\---- 

Rose opened the door, groceries in hand, only to be immediately tackled around the ankles by something small and solid. She looked down to see what appeared to be a large, unruly pile of ruffles and lace. It was only at second glance that she realized it was Casey. 

"Oh, hello, Casey," she said, trying to extricate her legs from the young salamander's grasp. She nearly tripped and fell as Casey, flailing her limbs and blowing bubbles frantically, continued to snatch at her legs with every attempted step. 

"Is something the matter?" she asked Kanaya. "Casey appears to be in an unusual amount of distress." 

"Oh," Kanaya said glumly from where she was seated on the floor, "I thought that instead of dressing her up in our clothes I could make a dress of her own for her to wear. But I don't think she likes it." 

Rose put the groceries on the floor and crouched at eye-level with Casey, holding the squirming salamander still enough to get a good look at her under the the pile of ruffles and the saggy pink bow that was falling off her head. 

"She doesn't appear to be a fan of ruffles, does she?" 

"No, but I thought they might suit her," Kanaya said. "I'll clean everything up." 

Rose pulled the dress up over Casey's head, and the salamander squirmed out, blowing bubbles with what appeared to be a happier demeanor. Rose retrieved the bag of Cheetos and pulled it open, placing it in the salamander's outstretched arms. 

"Maybe we should just locate some cartoons for her to watch on the television," Kanaya suggested. 

"That's lazy parenting," Rose said. "We can do much better than that." 

"I believe you said not to think of it as parenting." 

"I did. However, I am much more prepared now," Rose said, retrieving a jar of olives from the bag of groceries. 

"I don't understand. Are those for Casey?" 

"No," Rose said, reaching up to retrieve a martini glass from the top shelf. "They are for me." 

"It's rather early for drinking," Kanaya accused. 

"I am not drinking," Rose said. Kanaya glared. "I am not getting drunk," Rose amended. "I am channeling the spirit of my mother." 

"You don't often speak highly of her parenting skills," Kanaya said, dubious. 

"She was perfectly adequate," Rose said, raising her glass. She took a sip. 

\---- 

Rose nearly dropped her glass when she walked into the living room to find Casey was absolutely coated in orange dust and... "Is that lipstick?" 

Rose put her martini down on the side table and knelt in the pile of Cheeto dust so she could wipe at the black smudges on Casey's face with a sleeve. 

"I must have forgotten to put it away properly," Kanaya said. "I think a bath is in order." 

"I agree," Rose said. "But someone should also vacuum in here. Could you take care of that, please? I don't think I could stomach vacuuming with a martini glass in hand." She made a face. 

"Of course." 

Rose picked the salamander up with a grunt and carried her into the bathroom, placing her into the tub while she drew the bath. Casey glubbed happily and blew bubbles, splashing as the tub filled up. 

"Perhaps you could splash less," Rose said, as one particularly enthusiastic splash caught her right across the face. 

Casey looked right at her and splashed again. 

"I should have words with John about the virtues of instilling a young lady with proper manners," Rose said, blinking through the water streaming down her face. Casey kicked her legs in the tub and blew another bubble. 

\---- 

Rose sunk down onto the couch with a sigh and retrieved her martini. 

"Now, Casey," she said, to the young salamander sitting next to her, still wrapped up in a towel, "I thought you might like to learn something new today." Fishing under the couch, she retrieved her project bag with yarn and needles. 

"Rose, you can't be serious," Kanaya said. 

"I am perfectly serious. Every young lady should learn a craft." 

"Even if I take your point as granted, I would not even consider teaching Casey how to work a sewing machine." 

"I am not teaching her to sew, I am teaching her to knit," Rose said, fishing Casey's front feet out of the towel and wrapping them around a pair of thick plastic knitting needles. "My needles are larger, but also significantly less likely to result in puncture wounds." 

"I still think that knitting requires a certain amount of dexterity that a salamander simply doesn't have." 

"Don't listen to her, Casey," Rose said, pressing the tail end of a ball of yarn into Casey's grasp. She took another sip of the martini before placing the glass aside and pulling her own knitting into her lap. "Now, watch what I do and try to mimic me, all right?" 

\---- 

"Perhaps we should turn on the television after all," Rose said, tugging at a knot of yarn bunched around Casey's leg as the salamander squirmed and kicked. "It might distract her enough that I can get her untangled with minimum fuss." 

"If you say so," Kanaya said, lightly, turning the television on and flipping through the channels with the remote, while Rose continued to pick at the ball of yarn wound entirely around Casey. 

"I swear," Rose said, "I turned my head away for one second. What did she do, roll in it? At least the television is serving as a slight distraction." 

"Yes, well, I don't think there are any cartoons on this time at night. Maybe a movie? Do you think she would like In Which A Greenblooded Journalyncher Interviews An Aged Rainbow Drinker On His Multitudes of Sweeps, Featuring Fourteen Cases of Quadrant Flipping, Blood Drinking Of All Hemocastes For Sustenance, And One Case Of Conversion Of A Juvenile--" 

"You know what," Rose said, cutting her off, "I think Jade might have accidentally left one of her Squiddles DVDs here the last time she visited. See if you can find that." 

With Casey lulled into submission by a television filled with epiliepsy-triggering technicolor mayhem, Rose was able to make relatively short work of the rest of the yarn tangle, as well as the last of her martini. She flopped back onto the couch next to Casey, who was blowing bubbles rhythmically. 

"I have an idea," Rose said. "Where's the rest of the stuff Jade forgot?" 

"In the basket by the door," Kanaya said. "Why?" 

Rose jumped to her feet and returned, after some rummaging, with a package of bubble gum. She managed to fumble a piece out of its wrapper and popped it in her mouth, plopping down on the couch in front of Casey again. 

"Casey," she said, waving a hand in front of the salamander's face to pull her attention away from the television. She blew a bubble with the gum and Casey stared at her, eyes wide and unblinking. She kicked all four of her legs in the air, blowing a bubble herself. Rose smiled and blew another, larger bubble, and Casey squirmed in delight. Casey blew another bubble, which swelled larger and larger and then finally popped with a sticky blue burst all over Rose's face and chest. 

Casey fell off the couch with surprise, glubbing in alarm, and skittering backward toward where Kanaya was sitting. 

"Oh dear," Kanaya said, very clearly struggling not to laugh. 

Rose reached up to wipe the sticky saliva off her face. "Ugh, it's in my hair, too," she said. "I'm going to shower. I probably still have Cheeto hiding away in various crannies as well." 

"Allow me to assist you," Kanaya said, glancing at Casey to make sure she was once again glued to the television, then following Rose to the bathroom. 

Rose shucked off her (still slightly damp, vaguely orange, now very sticky) clothes into the laundry hamper while Kanaya ran the water on the shower to the proper temperature. 

"With any luck, we can put her to bed on the couch soon and not have to worry about any more disasters until morning," Rose said, stepping into the shower with a sigh of relief. 

Kanaya hummed. "Luck is your domain. You can't say with more certainty?" 

"My forte lies with outcomes much more long-term than this. All I can state with certainty right now is that the most fortuitous thing I can do right this instant is take a nice, hot shower." 

The shower curtain rustled and Kanaya stepped into the shower as well. "Turn around," she said, and Rose turned her face into the jet of water to allow Kanaya access to her hair. 

"Better?" Kanaya asked, threading her fingers gently through the clumps in Rose's hair. 

"Mmm, much," Rose murmured, turning to press a kiss to her girlfriend's lips, and letting one hand trail down her side to rest on her hip. 

The shower curtain shifted aside sharply, and Rose grabbed at it in alarm, pulling it against her body, while Kanaya grabbed for the towel hanging just outside. 

"Casey!" Rose snapped at the salamander, who, now relieved of the shower curtain, glubbed in alarm and covered her face. 

Kanaya, glowing slightly from embarrassment, wrapped the towel around her midsection and took the salamander in hand. "I must have neglected to lock the door. I'll take care of her outside," she said, leading Casey out of the bathroom and shutting the door firmly behind her. 

\---- 

"Rose," Kanaya said, peeking her head into the bedroom where Rose was toweling her hair. "Rose, I thought it was time to put Casey down for the night but she will not stay put. She keeps climbing up onto our bookcases. I think she would like someone to read her something before she will go to sleep. Shall I select one?" 

Rose sighed. "There is not a single tome in this apartment that would make a suitable bedtime story for a young, impressionable salamander. I own nothing but cosmic horror, impenetrable allegory, and incestuous tragedies - not mutually exclusive - while your collection consists entirely of smutty vampire romance novels." 

"Oh," Kanaya said. "I suppose that's a fair assessment of the state of our library." After a pause, she added, "Since you are a writer, perhaps you could simply fabricate a story?" 

Rose dropped her head into her hands, shoulders trembling with laughter. 

"Rose, are you in distress?" 

Rose took a moment to compose herself, then stood, nodding. "I'm fine," she said. "That is... an entirely sensible suggestion, thank you. I'll see what I can do." 

\---- 

"And then the, uh, the princess challenged the wizard to a game of chess. If she won, he would let her friend, the blue boy, go free. But if she lost, uh..." 

Rose's attention was caught by the sound of a door opening. She looked over at Kanaya, trying to convey the message "help me" through her eyes. Kanaya put a finger to her lips and pointed to Casey who, it turned out, had fallen asleep. Rose stood and trod quietly over to where Kanaya was standing. 

"We all have our deficiencies," Rose whispered. "Mine are, apparently, children's tales." 

"Are you ready for bed, now?" Kanaya asked. 

"Almost," Rose said, "I'll meet you in the bedroom." 

She padded into the kitchen and opened the top cabinet, fishing around the back with her hand until she found a bottle, and carried it back into the bedroom with her. 

Kanaya's eyes narrowed. "Is that the moonshine you have taken to alchemizing?" 

"I know you don't like it," Rose said, flopping bonelessly onto the bed next to Kanaya and retrieving her book from her bedside stand. 

"I just find it inappropriate when you get so drunk you lose all higher cognitive functions and fall down staircases." 

"Well," Rose said, pausing to take a swig, "I'm just having a little nightcap, that's all." She propped herself up against Kanaya's chest, opening the book and then, sighing, put it face-down on the bed next to her. 

"Is something wrong?" Kanaya asked. 

Rose kneaded at her eyes with the palm of one hand. "Given my ectobiological parents," she said, "I find it not at all surprising that not a scrap of nurturing instinct has been passed on to me." She glanced over at Kanaya. "Aren't jadebloods commonly charged with caring for the revered broodmother of your entire species? Wasn't your dancestor mythologically renowned for single-handedly raising your Troll Jesus from a grub? What's your excuse?" 

Kanaya chuckled. "If we are talking behavioral genetics, then you do recall me saying that my species has never engaged in the act of raising our wrigglers from hatching, do you not?" 

"Fair enough," Rose said, retrieving her book and propping it open on her lap. "Do you want me to read aloud?" 

"No," Kanaya said, "I think I'll just go to sleep now. Poke me when you're ready for me to turn the glow off." 

Rose hummed in assent, nestling against her girlfriend's soft, luminescent body. "I love you," she mumbled. 

Kanaya craned her neck to kiss her on the top of the head. "I love you too," she said. 

\---- 

Rose was awoken by something moving on the end of the mattress, and Kanaya's glow shining through her eyelids. She squinted her eyes open, rubbing at them muzzily. "Kanaya?" she asked. 

"We have a visitor," Kanaya said. 

Casey crawled up the bed and squeezed herself in between Rose and Kanaya, tugging at the sleeve of Rose's nightgown. 

"I believe she would feel more comfortable sleeping with us than alone on the couch," Kanaya said. 

"Clearly," Rose said. Casey curled up against her side, wiggling back and forth to try to make a little bit more space. Rose shifted over, and Casey glubbed in approval. 

"Well then if that is all," Kanaya said. "Goodnight. Again." 

Kanaya dimmed, laying back down, and Casey squeaked, tugging at Rose's sleeve again. 

"I think perhaps it best you leave the glow on for the rest of the night," Rose suggested. 

"I will never be anything more than a glorified nightlight to any of you," Kanaya lamented. Casey calmed and stilled as a dim light filled the room again. "That was a joke, by the way," Kanaya added. 

"Yes, dear," Rose said. "And false in any case." She leaned over Casey to kiss Kanaya on the cheek. "Good night, my beloved booklight." 

\---- 

"Mmph," Rose grunted. 

"Rose, are you awake? I was going to throw water on you if you weren't." 

Rose furrowed her brow, trying to place the voice. "...John?" she asked. "Where'm I?" She reached out to feel whatever it was she was lying face-down on. "Why'm I on the couch? Why's it bright?" 

John came into view, bending over to grin at her, Casey clinging to his leg. "It's bright because it's the afternoon, and I don't know why you're on the couch. That's what I was going to ask you." 

Rose sat up with effort. "I was in bed, and then... Casey was there. I think maybe I got up with Casey this morning." She groaned. "You were going to throw water on me? I need water. Not thrown on me. In a glass." 

"Casey keep you up all night?" John asked, wandering away. Rose could hear the tap running in the kitchen. 

"She's a restless sleeper," Rose said. "She kicks." 

John laughed, walking back into the room and handing her a glass of water. Rose drank it greedily. "Yeah, I know," he said. "She sleeps with me half the time, too. She's afraid of the dark, a little." 

"I noticed." 

"John?" Kanaya asked, from the direction of the bedroom. "John, is that you?" 

"Hi, Kanaya," John said, cheerily. "Sorry for barging in! Casey answered the door when I knocked. I'm sure sorry she kept you up all night. Aside from that, did everything go all right?" 

Rose looked to Kanaya, who shrugged. 

"Everything went perfectly fine. Casey was an angel, and we were both perfectly competent." 

"That's great," John said. "Maybe I should ask you to watch Casey more often!" 

"Delightful." 


End file.
